I’ve re-typed these sentences too many times to count and I still can’t find the right words to express what I want to say. I remember when I enjoyed writing posts and I was happy to share them. I still overthought the words then, but I also accepted that they were never going to be perfect. Yet, as I write to you, it is the imperfections that I find hardest of all now.
It came as no surprise when I realised how difficult blogging had become for me. It had once been a platform in which to express the things that I wanted to share with people who I didn’t see everyday. It had been a haven in which to communicate with like minded people, the dreamers, writers and anyone else who was kind enough to click the follow buttons and support my little patch of the internet.
When I applied to university, I was a different person to who I am now. My blog was called ‘Infinite Daydreamer’, my anxiety was so much worse, and I still believed that the term writer only applied to those who had successfully published their written work. I was nervous that I would find university overwhelming and that everyone else would just move on without me. Yet, in the end, I changed my blog name because I’d outgrown it. I went to see a counsellor who didn’t help my anxious thoughts, but made me realise that only I had the power in which to do so. I even started to call myself a writer because I realised that published work or not, that’s exactly who I was.
When I was younger, I would set myself small goals and be happy when I achieved them. I’d appreciate that everything could be a success if I had the mindset to make it such a thing. Yet, I am finding it harder to define what success actually means. I set myself goals that aren’t tangible, but then I refute the ones that are. I achieve and then I tell myself that I could have done better…I should have even.
Self-belief was a concept that I didn’t understand until I started to publish posts on this blog. My friends and family had always been supportive of my dreams, but all of a sudden, complete strangers were as well. It was a validating experience that I grew to appreciate. From the encouraging comments, to increasing number of followers, I grew to believe in myself. However, recently I have found such belief starting to dwindle. I’m stuck in a state of perpetual uncertainty and I don’t know how to break free.
I graduate next year, which in some ways is exciting because it means this energy draining semester comes to a close. However, it’s also an increasingly daunting prospect. What if I don’t succeed? What if publishing isn’t what I thought it would be? What will happen when I don’t have good grades to prove that I’m doing well? The answer is…I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now and I’m overwhelmed.
If you’ve reached the end of this post, I would like to both congratulate and thank you. Basically, I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging much recently. My creativity has been lacking and I’m hoping to resume regular posting once summer begins.
Until next time keep dreaming x